Sturdy Tools for Shaky Times
by Tash Brooks
Being human is risky business. Some seasons it feels less like living a life and more like being a crash test dummy; heart buckled in, wide eyes straight ahead and bracing for impact you never agreed to. We love, we try, disaster strikes, we heal, we try again. Repeat.
My life has had its share of rug pulls: death, divorce, career upheaval. Those dizzy stretches when the floor drops out, even after I showed up, planned well, tried hard, and loved with everything I had, has left me quietly scanning for the next hit. Sometimes life does not negotiate. It just reroutes.
In the aftershocks, loss and shock can dress up as shame and start whispering lies about worthiness. That is the trap. What I need in those moments is not perfection or performance. I need a sturdy toolkit. I need language that reality checks the story, boundaries that honor my values, and practices that bring my nervous system back online.
After an extraordinary decade of loss, new life, and new beginnings, these are the tools I reach for to restore my compass. They help me steady my breath, choose courage over comfort, and take the next kind step - even when I cannot yet see the solid ground beneath me.
Tool #1
“The Story I’m Telling Myself…”
When I find myself spiraling, heart racing, brain writing a 10-chapter tragedy, I remember I’m living inside a story. Usually it’s a story of unchangeable despair or catastrophic mind-reading. I pause and say, “The story I’m telling myself is ___.” Then, the most critical part, I separate facts from fear and assumptions. Facts are boring and short; fears and assumptions are dramatic, detailed and long. This language slows the train so I can step off instead of getting dragged.
Set the scene:
Each of these tools require some time alone so you can be with your thoughts. Uninterrupted. Find a journal or go for a drive in your car.
Say out loud or write in your journal: “The story I’m telling myself is…”
Then add a reality check: “What facts do I actually have? What am I assuming?” If you’re writing in your journal, highlight the FACTS. If you’re talking to yourself, say it out loud. Take your time with this one. It’s easy to forget what a “fact” really is.
Journal prompt: Where are three places I might be filling in blanks with fear? Go to own. Write it out. Get it all out.
Tool #2
Name It to Tame It
I can’t heal what I won’t name. Instead of “I’m fine,” I try precision: I am: hurt, envious, grief stricken, lonely, scared. Tip: This isn’t the time to get stuck in the blame/victim story. Don’t slip into victimhood and make this anyone’s fault. Look at this like a scientist identifying what’s in the petri dish. I say, “I’m feeling ___, and that makes sense because I care about _____.” Naming doesn’t fix it, but it gives me a handle. When shame shows up (hot face, tunnel vision, urge to hide), I text a trusted friend: “Can I share something messy and not to be fixed?” Bringing it into the light shrinks it. Added bonus? This exercise can also help you list your values. It’s a round about way to find out what your value drivers are in life and that can also help you when making other really critical decisions.
Identify the feeling with precision (hurt, envy, loneliness, not just “bad”).
Say: “I’m feeling ___, and that makes sense because I care about ______.”
Text a trusted person: “Can I share something messy and not to be fixed?”
Tool #3
Values as Guardrails
When I’m unsure, I come back to my top two values (insight can be derived from Tool #2). I ask, “What’s one next step that honors these values?” Maybe it’s a direct conversation with a soft tone. Maybe it’s resting instead of overworking. If an action violates my values, it’s a no. No matter what. Hard no. Living by my values costs me people-pleasing but buys me self-respect and ultimately, the authentic and life affirming relationships that replenish me. That’s a value for me. Community and real belonging.
Quick sort: Write 5 values → circle 2 non-negotiables.
Ask: “What action, however small, aligns with these two values right now?”
Tool #4
Talisman
Perfection is loud; permission is liberating. From the time I was small and dealing with some serious anxiety, I had a talisman. A way to remind myself to give myself permission to feel and be human. First I’d write myself some statements, “I give myself permission to avoid over-explaining. I give myself permission to be human. I give myself permission to ask for help” I’d keep that talisman (figure, slip of paper, crystal, or when I was really little a toy wombat) in my pocket and check it before school, meetings, hard talks, or parenting moments. It reminds me I’m allowed to show up as myself.
Write: “I give myself permission to be ___ and to avoid ___ today.”
(e.g., “to be clear not clever; to avoid people-pleasing.”)Put it in your pocket. Use it.
Tool #5
Boundaries = Self Respect in Practice
A boundary is what’s okay and not okay for me, no villain required. I use simple scripts: “I’m available to talk about solutions; I’m not available for name-calling.” Or, “If the conversation gets heated, we’re no longer in charge of the conversation. Lets take a beat till we can put our fear in check.” Let’s be clear, boundaries don’t control others; they clarify my behavior. When I hold them consistently, my relationships become healthier and my nervous system finally believes me.
Script: “Here’s what I’m available for: ___. Here’s what I’m not: ___.”
Consequence (kind, firm): “If ___ continues, I’ll ___.”
Self-check: Is this boundary about controlling them or caring for me?
Tool #6
Shame-Resilience 4-Step
Shame is the emotion that says “I am the problem,” not “I have a problem.” It isolates, hijacks the nervous system, and pushes me toward hiding, perfectionism, or blaming. In rug pull seasons, that voice gets louder. If I do not work with shame directly, it quietly drives my choices. Shame resilience is the skill that brings me back to connection, accountability, and self respect so I can learn and move forward instead of collapsing or armoring up.
What shame resilience prevents
The spiral into secrecy and silence that keeps pain stuck
Overcorrection into people pleasing or control
Self abandonment of values when I feel unworthy
What shame resilience makes possible
Clearer thinking because my nervous system is steadier
Repair and accountability without self contempt
Courage to try again, ask for help, and set boundaries
How I practice it in real time
Recognize: I notice body signals like heat in my face, tunnel vision, or the urge to disappear. I say, “This feels like shame.”
Reality check: I use Tool 1. “The story I am telling myself is ___. What do I actually know?”
Reach out: I contact someone on my tiny trusted list. “I need ears, not fixes.”
Speak it with humanity: “I made a mistake” or “I am hurting” rather than “I am a mistake.” I name a next kind step that honors my values.
Tool #7
First-Time Discomfort Plan
New things feel awkward because they’re new, not because I’m failing. I pre-normalize: “This will be wobbly; that’s expected.” During the moment, I take three grounding breaths and name one thing that’s going well enough. Afterward, I run a 3-column debrief: What I tried / What worked / What I’ll tweak. I’m teaching my brain that experimentation is safe; that the “crash test dummy” is resilient.
Before you start: “This will be awkward and that’s normal.”
During: Take three grounding breaths; name one thing going well enough.
After: Debrief three columns: What I tried / What worked / What I’ll tweak.
Tool #8
Curious Conversations (instead of combat)
When conflict hits, I try to lead with impact, not accusation: “When X happened, I felt Y.” Then I ask generous questions: “What did you hear me say?” “What was your intention?” We co-create clarity: “What does done look like? What are our next steps?” Curiosity isn’t surrender; it’s strategy. It helps me protect both truth and connection.
Start with impact, not accusation: “When X happened, I felt Y.”
Ask generous questions: “What was your intention?” “What did you hear me say?”
Aim for clarity: “What does ‘done’ look like? What will we each do next?”
Tool #9
Note to Self (Choose the Friend Voice)
When my inner critic gears up, I borrow my friend’s voice: “You’re allowed to be a work in progress and worthy of rest.” I write a three-sentence note to myself and stash it in my phone. I reread it before tough mornings, meetings or after a parenting misstep. Self-compassion isn’t letting myself off the hook, it’s keeping me in the game. Click HERE to read other BHFarmers note to self.
Write a 3-sentence note from your wisest friend to you.
Keep it on your phone. Read it when the inner critic gets loud.
Phrase to borrow: “You’re allowed to be a work in progress and still worthy of rest.”
Tool #10
Square-Squad Audit (Your Trusted Few)
I have a list. Let me be real with you, it’s small and you know what? It’s gotten much smaller over the years. The list consists of the people who get front-row seats to my tenderness. I ask them explicitly: “When I text ‘need ears,’ can you witness without fixing? Always without judging?” I also offer the same in return. I don’t crowdsource my worthiness to the internet; I bring my truth to the few who can hold it. These are my touchstones in human form.
List the tiny circle who get a front-row seat to your tenderness. All you need is one person.
Ask: “Can you just witness, not fix, when I text ‘need ears’?”
Return the favor. Mutual brave listening is a gold thread that can hold 100X times your weight in emotional heaviness.
Tool #11
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Sometimes life can get really dark. There’s low and then there’s rock bottom. The mountain ahead of you can be so insurmountable that you just can’t imagine ever making it or why you should keep trying. This is a tool for those times. Mel Robbins talks about this rule changing her life. It’s not waiting for bravery, courage or clarity. We can’t always wait to “feel like it” before we do it. We have to break life down to the smaller decisions. The micro choices. Don’t look at the mountain, look at the micro. You simply count backwards from 5 and launch yourself like a rocket when you get to 1. Don’t overthink it. Don’t wait for inspiration to strike. Simply say, “I’m making that call in 5-4-3-2-1, and press “call”. I’m getting out of bed and brushing my teeth in 5-4-3-2-1 and get out of bed. "I’m putting down this bag of chips in 5-4-3-2-1 and do it” Those small micro choices really add up and once you start to feel momentum, the inertia won’t feel as heavy. Start small.
Tool #12
Rest Without Guilt (A Boundary with Yourself)
I schedule a 10-minute refuel daily, walk, stretch, staring at the sky. Usually it’s my first cup of tea in the morning with no phone and no conversation. I protect it like any critical meeting. Rest is not a trophy I earn after perfection; it’s maintenance that keeps me honest, kind, and clear. When I honor rest, everything else works better, including my mindset.
Choose a daily 10-minute refuel: a walk, stretch, or quiet cup.
Protect it on your calendar like any meeting.
Reminder: Rest is a responsibility, not a reward.
I look forward to hearing what works for you and if/how these tools can help.
love…. always,
Tash xx